I feel like my life NEVER slows down these days. For the last few weeks you all know whats been going on with Grandpa, but what you don’t know is how being in Billings with Grandpa changed my life. It’s been 3 Sundays since dad flew to Billings with Grandpa. He came and said goodbye to me before he left. I will Never forget that look in his eyes. It’s a look I’ve grown accustomed to. The look of defeat. The look of loss. The look of nothing is going to be the same again. After Dad left I cried for hours. I felt like after everything I’ve gone through this year I didn’t think I could handle what I feared. Grandpa made it through the night. Not going to Billings wasn’t an option for me. I made arrangements so I could be there for my dad. Mom and I left after work on Monday.
I was afraid of going to Billings. That was the first time being there since I left. I knew I had to find the strength, because I knew I had to be there. I was afraid that I’d want to see Cole or maybe remember all the good times I had with Cole all over Billings.
When we got to the hospital we sat in the waiting room for a little bit until Grandpa was ready for company. It was so nice that Mel, Tami, and Dad were there. It was sad to see Grandpa lying on that hospital bed. But it felt right being there. We stayed for hours. On Tuesday morning Grandpa was scheduled for surgery. Aaron had also come up, so Dad, Aaron, and I were at the hospital bright and early. Breann was also there. We all went with Grandpa in the elevator.
Saying our goodbyes, and I love you’s we headed to the waiting room as we watched Grandma kiss Grandpa like it was the last time she’d ever kiss him. The waiting room was pure torture. We all tried to keep the spirits high. For a girl with A.D.D. sitting and waiting is hard to do…..I couldn’t help but wonder…………there is a lady who sits at a desk and informs you of the process of the surgery, oh and she writes down how many people you have waiting. After the surgery is over the surgeon goes into the waiting room and tells the family how the surgeon went…..SO I’M THINKING TO MYSELF…….I WONDER WHAT MY SURGEON THOUGHT AFTER I HAD SURGERY AND NO ONE WAS IN THE WAITING ROOM WAITING FOR ME!!!! Looking back it’s kinda funny.
It’s crazy how long days seem in the hospital. That week felt like it wouldn’t end. I had the honor of being able to stay the night with Grandpa twice!!! The first night was pretty rough. But that is the night I will NEVER forget. Even with everything going on in the hospital I knew that there was a reason for me to be in that room with Grandpa. We didn’t sleep more than 2 hours that night. Grandpa kept waking up, and visiting. He kept thanking me for being there, I kept telling him that I was honored to be there.
I’ve decided not to blog some of the things we talked about since I wouldn’t know how to begin to describe how it changed my life. How it changed my view of love, or forgiveness.
I can tell you that I sent Cole a text. That was the 4th time I’d talked to him in 3 months. I just simply texted him I forgive you for hurting me. I also want to apologize for not being a better person when we were together. Cole Iam truly sorry.
I didn’t think I’d get a response…..but then again he did find ways to surprise me when were dating. He said what I’ve been waiting to hear for 3 months. His friend told him I was in Billings, and at the hospital. Cole came to the hospital. He didn’t know where in the hospital I was, but knowing he was that close was hard for me. He told me he was sorry. He said I was the best person he’s ever known. He still loves me, and wakes up everyday and regret hurting me. He even admitted to driving after me a few times, but turning around. He said I still want to marry you. I know I don’t deserve another chance, but I can’t live without you.
Thankfully my sister Christian had given me a really good book. It’s about waiting for the right guy. I have almost finished it, and was reading it when Cole started this conversation….though texting..
I told him I forgave him, all I ever wanted was for him to fight for me. As I sat there looking at my Grandpa trying to sleep…..I told him My Grandpa has cancer, and I’m staying the night with him in the hospital, not because he asked me to, but because I don’t want to be anywhere else in the world then right next to his bed. I also mentioned….when I was in the hospital I had to beg Cole to come see me. I don’t want to be with someone I have to beg to come see me in the hospital. I want someone to be there because they want to be.
We’ve almost been broken up for 4 months now. The pain is bearable. That night in the hospital I got back some the pieces to my heart. I also got my dad back that weekend. After Grandpa surgery I was in Grandpa’s room with the door shut singing him hymns. Dad came in, and we sat there together singing songs to Grandpa not sure if he was ever going to leave that hospital….there were times that we fought back the tears singing about living in the valley, but I will never forget how close I felt to him at the time.
Grandpa is back home, and looks so good! I wasn’t sure if Grandpa would remember that night with me in the hospital, but he did!!!!
