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Today was kinda a rough start. I woke up to rain, and thunder! I didn’t go to bed last night until almost 3 am. I had to pick one of the girls up from the airport at midnight, then listened to her time at home. I don’t know how I used to be able to stay up so late. I felt like a little old woman when I woke up this morning.

Yesterday was rough in the boyfriend department. I had a friend text me saying that it’s too hard being my friend because he likes me. It’s so weird to lose a friend because you’ve been too good of a friend.

After that happened I went to youth excited to see the kids. It’s so neat how much they look up to me, because I’m in masters commission. I’ve been reading my second berean book called Effective Leadership, and it really highlighted the life of Daniel. He was such a good leader, because he knew how to lead himself. I was very interested in his life, and decided to test on book number 2 today. I got a 96%!!!! That definatly made my day better. As a second year I only have 5 books. I’ve completed 2, and the year doesn’t start until September 24th.

God has definatly been teaching me how to have a servants heart. Yesterday I spent time cleaning bathrooms, because I felt God wanted me to. Now we all have clean bathrooms, and today has gone great inspite of the occurances yesterday.

There is so much boy drama, but I don’t focus on it anymore. I’m done looking, done dating, and done settling.

I’m really looking forward to our Aerobics class tonight! It’s going to be really fun! We have a new member joining our A-team! So there will more than likely be lots of pictures to come!!!

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On Sunday I read the church bulletin and realized our church has an aerobics class on Monday and Thursday nights. So Kristen, Jenny, and I decided we wanted to try it out.

Tonight was our first experience, and it just so happens our instructor is a mom to a masters student. Praise God!!! We all get to come to class for FREE!!! She is probably 60. Well…….our whole class is i their 40’s so you’d think some 20 year olds would be able to keep up right??? I thought my arms were going to fall off. It was really fun though. We had 50’s music playing, and did some dances. The hard part was doing all the weight lifting, and the crunches. I am extremely sore.

To prepare for class we dressed up for the occassion. We were just being ridiculous when we picked out our outfits, but surprisingly we all fit right in!!! Here’s our pics

I’m back everyone!!!!! This past year has been amazing, scary, hard, trying, rewarding, sacrificial, but mostly it’s been a new start. I thank God everyday for Memphis Masters Commission. God has definately annointed Pastor Don Hardy to be director over us. As you know I’m coming back for my second year, and I can’t wait!!! So far we have only one first year girl coming in, and 6 first year guys! Cheryl is going to be the staff over the girls, and Ryan is coming back as staff for the guys.

I wanted to highlight a few things that God has done in my life. My first year God transformed my mind. My views on myself, and especially on relationships has changed so much that I feel like a new person. I know I am a new peson in Christ, but I no longer date for sport. I have decided I’m done dating until God brings my husband to me. I know that day seems really near these days, and I’m excited for the day he reveals the man he created to be my partner. However until that day comes I’m working on me! Working shows this summer has been fun, and a great way to earn tuition. I miss family and wish I had more time at home, but God knew that I needed to be here as well.

I miss Grandpa, and frequently read the letters he has sent me. He has been a great role model in my life, and I’m thankful I still can see him and talk to him everytime I talk to dad or see him I see Grandpa. Dad wouldn’t be the man he was if he didn’t have a father like he did. Grandpa may not be here with us in the physical, but his legacy still lives on. This past week God has really been doing things in my life. Through all the struggles of being back in memphis he’s given me a song. And part of the song has been made so real in my life…….. “No Turning Back. I’ve made up my mind. I’m giving all of my life this time.” “You’re love makes it worth it all.” This year I am giving all. Not that I didn’t last year, but this year I’m doing it without distractions. This year I’m going into leadership, and I’m going to be a better leader because God has called me to be better.

I believe we’re living in a day where people don’t want church like usual. We’re becoming a church tired of the way things are. Tired of the pews beig full of dead mans bones. We want Jesus. I know I personally am so tired of the lukewarm Christians! I want to be like Jeremiah 20:9 But if I say I’ll never mention the LORD or speak in his name, his word burns in my heart like a fire. It’s like a fire in my bones! I am worn out trying to hold it in! I can’t do it!

Can you imagine life were people can’t hold in thier faith?

Here’s a few pics of my journey

Halloween. SMOOCH

me and Desiree on a road trip

Jenny and I at Virginia Beach for Thanksgiving

new hair style

My family in Mexico

Playing tick tac toe with kids at an orphanage in Mexico

Kristen with some of the orphans. Sophie on the left ask me to take her home with me

Jason at Pastor Don's Pool party

Markeiffe, Norma, Catherine and me after graduation

It’s been a little while since I’ve blogged. I guess you could say things have changed, but that’s not really the case…..I’ve changed. I thought life was over after Cole, but it turns out my life was just about to begin. I spent my summer looking for “the one” mainly because I was SO lonely. I didn’t know how to escape the feeling of absolute loneliness. I cried SO many tears these last four and a half months. Part of me missed Cole, but I missed him because he took away the feeling of being So alone.

I’ve always loved being around people. I like solitude when it’s convient for me, but when its someone beside me deciding when I’m going to be alone it sucks.

I’ve wasted so many years trying to find someone to take away the feeling of being alone. I’m 22…..I have friends who are married, and having kids. Where does that leave me? ALONE.

How can I find Mr. Right if I don’t know who I am? I can’t wait around for a guy to tell me who I am. Because I tried….and the girl Cole saw was a party girl…an easy piece….someone who really didn’t care about anything. He didn’t care about me…the things that make me who I am.

For instance in January when I had surgery he had to call me to ask what my last name was……we had been together 4 months.
He told me if he had children he wanted me to be their mother, because I’m like Cole….I don’t really care about anything.

I tried so hard to be the girl Cole needs. I can’t do it anymore. I was meant for a better life than the life Cole comes with. All my insecurites, and fears were unleashed when I walked away from him. That was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. I am still amazed I did it. He had such a hold on my life.

I prayed all summer for God to take away all my feelings for Cole. And here I am 4 months without Cole, and if I never see him again that’s fine with me. I’m ok. I’m lucky to have friends, and family.

I spent my summer talking with a guy named Vince. I wish I could tell him how much he helped me through. I never thought I’d be friends with him……apparently I turned him in for sexual harassment in Jr. high….I forgot but he didn’t!

I am really proud of the woman I have become. I’m not afraid anymore. I know that even if I’m meant to be alone for the rest of my life I’m going to be ok. That has been my biggest fear, and it isn’t that big of a deal anymore.

I heard this song at work today, and it’s what triggered this blog. It’s how I’ve been feeling.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hVZaA2s7xYI

heres a few pics
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I feel like my life NEVER slows down these days. For the last few weeks you all know whats been going on with Grandpa, but what you don’t know is how being in Billings with Grandpa changed my life. It’s been 3 Sundays since dad flew to Billings with Grandpa. He came and said goodbye to me before he left. I will Never forget that look in his eyes. It’s a look I’ve grown accustomed to. The look of defeat. The look of loss. The look of nothing is going to be the same again. After Dad left I cried for hours. I felt like after everything I’ve gone through this year I didn’t think I could handle what I feared. Grandpa made it through the night. Not going to Billings wasn’t an option for me. I made arrangements so I could be there for my dad. Mom and I left after work on Monday.

I was afraid of going to Billings. That was the first time being there since I left. I knew I had to find the strength, because I knew I had to be there. I was afraid that I’d want to see Cole or maybe remember all the good times I had with Cole all over Billings. 

When we got to the hospital we sat in the waiting room for a little bit until Grandpa was ready for company. It was so nice that Mel, Tami, and Dad were there. It was sad to see Grandpa lying on that hospital bed. But it felt right being there. We stayed for hours. On Tuesday morning Grandpa was scheduled for surgery. Aaron had also come up, so Dad, Aaron, and I were at the hospital bright and early. Breann was also there. We all went with Grandpa in the elevator.

Saying our goodbyes, and I love you’s we headed to the waiting room as we watched Grandma kiss Grandpa like it was the last time she’d ever kiss him. The waiting room was pure torture. We all tried to keep the spirits high. For a girl with A.D.D. sitting and waiting is hard to do…..I couldn’t help but wonder…………there is a lady who sits at a desk and informs you of the process of the surgery, oh and she writes down how many people you have waiting. After the surgery is over the surgeon goes into the waiting room and tells the family how the surgeon went…..SO I’M THINKING TO MYSELF…….I WONDER WHAT MY SURGEON THOUGHT AFTER I HAD SURGERY AND NO ONE WAS IN THE WAITING ROOM WAITING FOR ME!!!! Looking back it’s kinda funny.

It’s crazy how long days seem in the hospital. That week felt like it wouldn’t end. I had the honor of being able to stay the night with Grandpa twice!!! The first night was pretty rough. But that is the night I will NEVER forget. Even with everything going on in the hospital  I knew that there was a reason for me to be in that room with Grandpa. We didn’t sleep more than 2 hours that night. Grandpa kept waking up, and visiting. He kept thanking me for being there, I kept telling him that I was honored to be there.

I’ve decided not to blog some of the things we talked about since I wouldn’t know how to begin to describe how it changed my life. How it changed my view of love, or forgiveness.

I can tell you that I sent Cole a text. That was the 4th time I’d talked to him in 3 months. I just simply texted him I forgive you for hurting me. I also want to apologize for not being a better person when we were together. Cole Iam truly sorry.

I didn’t think I’d get a response…..but then again he did find ways to surprise me when were dating. He said what I’ve been waiting to hear for 3 months. His friend told him I was in Billings, and at the hospital. Cole came to the hospital. He didn’t know where in the hospital I was, but knowing he was that close was hard for me. He told me he was sorry. He said I was the best person he’s ever known. He still loves me, and wakes up everyday and regret hurting me. He even admitted to driving after me a few times, but turning around. He said I still want to marry you. I know I don’t deserve another chance, but I can’t live without you.

Thankfully my sister Christian had given me a really good book. It’s about waiting for the right guy. I have almost finished it, and was reading it when Cole started this conversation….though texting..

I told him I forgave him, all I ever wanted was for him to fight for me. As I sat there looking at my Grandpa trying to sleep…..I told him My Grandpa has cancer, and I’m staying the night with him in the hospital, not because he asked me to, but because I don’t want to be anywhere else in the world then right next to his bed. I also mentioned….when I was in the hospital I had to beg Cole to come see me. I don’t want to be with someone I have to beg to come see me in the hospital. I want someone to be there because they want to be.

We’ve almost been broken up for 4 months now. The pain is bearable. That night in the hospital I got back some the pieces to my heart. I also got my dad back that weekend. After Grandpa surgery I was in Grandpa’s room with the door shut singing him hymns. Dad came in, and we sat there together singing songs to Grandpa not sure if he was ever going to leave that hospital….there were times that we fought back the tears singing about living in the valley, but I will never forget how close I felt to him at the time.

Grandpa is back home, and looks so good! I wasn’t sure if Grandpa would remember that night with me in the hospital, but he did!!!!

Havent blogged in awhile….I thought I’d throw some pictures of my summer up here…

Aaron's Grad

Aaron's Grad

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Been awhile since I’ve blogged. I guess not really that much has happened. I went to the Jordans World Circus. I have never seen so much spandex in my life!! I was hit on by one of the performers….it’s kinda like Carny’s. You can think they’re cute, but no one in thier right mind would date them!

As for the love life…..I hate boys right now. It’s so weird….I’m kinda dating like 5 different guys. Well they seem to think they’re dating me. As for whats going on in my head…..Since I’ve moved back I just wanted to breathe again. I didn’t think I would ever be able to again. Being back here is frustrating. I hate this small town. I like some of the people here, but I still feel suffocated. I had a really good chat with Rach the other day. It’s so nice to confide in her about everything. Whenever I mention Cole to anyone I get responses such as: he’s a jerk, move on, I thought you liked Jeff, I thought we were over Cole.

I know everyone means well, but I can’t change what happened. I can’t change how it changed me. I still get sad. I still need to be alone. I still need time. It’s not that I’m still in love with him. I’m SO afraid for him. I know he’s into drugs worse than ever. And the day I get the phone call saying he’s dead is going to crush me. So all I’ve wanted for 3 months is to breathe again. To wake up and be truly happy all day. To wake up and not wish I stayed in Billings, and stayed with Cole. Just Breathe.

It’s funny how my ringtone for Cole when we were together was Suffocate by J. Holiday……

“Cuz I can’t breathe when you talk to me, Can’t Breathe when you touch me, I suffocate when you’re away from me so much love you take from me. I’m going outta my mind.”

JUST BREATHE!!!! All I want is to breathe….Just for one day.

On the plus note I did get into Memphis Masters Commission!!!!!!!!!! I’m ready for Sept to be here!

This morning I woke up knowing it was going to be a great day!!! Mandi (Bebee) texted me last night asking me to coffee today. I told her a few weeks ago that I was going to be her little sister for the summer, and if things go well maybe we could arrange something more permanent. I guess I just miss living in the same town as my big sister, so I’m looking for someone to be sisterly with…..you know watch crappy movies together, go for walks, we are going to Great Falls together on Monday!!! Anyways we had a nice little coffee date! I took a 2 hour break from work, and it was just nice to visit. When I had gone back to work I noticed a sign up sheet by the time clock. MANDATORY BOWL MEETING!!!!! I was SO excited!!!!!!!!! I love Bowling, and I thought it would be a blast playing with the residents. I checked the date, and my schedule. Turns out I had that day off, so not only could I bowl with the residents, but I could enjoy it on my day off as well!!!! When I went to clock out for the day I looked once more at the sign up sheet, and realized it didn’t say what I thought it said……MADATORY BOWEL MEETING!!!!

This is me on my 22nd Birthday.......

This is me on my 22nd Birthday.......

Well I still am unable to upload my pictures, however this one worked!!! So i guess I could just write a nice blog about me……Well there is currently no drama in my life. Huh. I broke up with Dan on Saturday…..he didn’t take that so well…..and as for Jeff I kicked him to the curb. Oh I have an interview tomorrow for Masters Commission in Memphis. I ate some watermelon today, and that was pretty good. My life is kinda boring lately.

Well this week has definately been a very busy one!!! Manny, his new wife Brenda, and all the kids got here on Sunday. It was good to see them again. It was sad hearing about what they are going through. Tuesday was Jaegers 3rd birthday!!!! He’s getting SO grown up!!! Wednesday was my birthday, and I got some interesting gifts. I had to work, and when I was getting ready to run home for a little bit so I could see Rach, Jaeg, and Jadyn there was a present outside for me……..You know at some point in my life I probably would have loved what awaited my arrival, but when I’m turning 22 and planning on moving to Memphis at the end of the summer I was shocked!!!!!!! I walk over to my car where there was a real pony with a bright red bow tied to my car!!!!!!!!! A lady I work with gave me a pony for my birthday!!!!